I started editing my prelims at around 10pm on Thursday evening. By 3am on Friday they were edited and emailed. I could have edited more, and in the morning I almost regretted having sent them, as there was one question I could have worked up a bit more. That said by Friday I was spent, I sent them in so I could stop stressing…stop rethinking…stop reworking. In short I wanted to return to some sort of normalcy in my life. Now that they are in and waiting to be graded, I thought I might spend a few minutes reflecting on the process.
THE FACTS:
From Friday at noon on March 7th to Friday at 3am on March 13th I answered approx 10 questions. I spent on average 12 hours per day writing, working from around 7am to 9pm everyday with a couple of breaks for eating, showering, and an occasional trip to the library. I finished 1.5 per day and wrote around17 pages per day. I followed the same schedule everyday. Up at 7:00, grab a breakfast bar and a bottle of water and then write for about 5 hours. Then a break for lunch and a shower, before returning to work until about 6:00. (A couple of times I threw in a trip to the library for a book.) At around 6:00 Erica and I would eat dinner together, and then I would return to try and wrap things up for the evening. Typically at 9:00 I would stop, although a couple times I pushed through until 10:00 or 11:00. Finally, I would decompress for about an hour, go to bed, and repeat the process the next day.
In the end I had about 120 pages to show for my work.
THE RESPONSES
The questions went as follows (Although I will be a bit vague in case professors choose to use the same questions for other students.)
1. Ancient- I wrote about shifting conceptions between Greece and Rome using the Iliad, Antigone, the Aeneid, and Tacitus’ Germania as my examples.
2. Medieval- Boccacio’s Decameron.
3. Modernity in Context- Applying theories of modernity to Kafka, Descrates, Ibsen, Defoe, Cervantes, Shelley, Hume, and Kant
4. Pop Culture- Theories of agency and 30 Rock
5. Literary Criticism- Critics that influence my work. I choose Gramsci, Bloom, Timothy Morton, Geoffrey Hartman, Stephen Gill, and Colin Jager.
6. European Romanticism- The Romantic artists construction of self
7-8 These two questions centered on a poem by Wordsworth. They required four essays (5 pages each) that addressed different aspects of the poem. (Cool question and I enjoyed writing it)
7a Hartmanian readings of Wordsworth
7b Blake and Wordsworth
8a The problems of Wordsworthian solitude
8b Ecocritical approached to Wordsworth
9 Romanticism, religion, and “secular modernity”
10 Evaluations of a couple of important Romantic theorists
(Not sure If you were interested in all that, but now you know what I was spending all my time on.)
REFLECTIONS
This was the hardest week of my academic life. There was at least two points where I did not think I could go on. Once after question 6, and more substantially after question 9. I think something in question 9 broke me. After finishing it I just couldn’t write anymore for a while. I went and took a shower and stood there for an hour just letting the hot water fall around me. I was so close to the end, and I knew what I needed to do to finish, but I was not sure I could. In the end a little hot water, some lunch, and a few prayers later I felt ready to write.
In some regards the process felt like an arbitrary hoop to jump through—a relic of past conceptions of graduate education that somehow has maintained its status as an integral part of what we do. But, then again, this task showed me something about myself. Over 50% percent of graduate students who make it past this point never finish, a fear that keeps PhD students up at night, creeping in every time we have trouble finishing a paper or getting into a conference. This task gave me hope and assuaged some of those fears. It showed me that the past three years have not been a waste. I never could have done this in 2006. It’s not just information that I have gained through education; it is a belief that I can perform at the highest levels of academia and succeed. That is a good feeling. None of the stuff I wrote will every make it in the dissertation (although question 9 helped me rethink my topic), but writing this much shows me that when I put my nose down and work hard I can do this thing.
SOME THANKS
My wife is undoubtedly one of the most amazing people I know. This week she took care of everything so I didn’t have to. Dinner, walking the dog, taking care of our sick cat Toby, laundry, cleaning—she took all of it, all while working 40+ hours. Everyday she worked as hard as I did, for just as long as I did, so I could stay in my office in front of my computer. Her willingness to sacrifice is the only reason I can pursue my PhD like this. She has put her wants and needs on hold for a while so I can peruse my dream, and she does not always get the credit she deserves. She is amazing, and I love her.
Additionally, many of you sent comments and emails giving me encouragement, even though most of you weren’t totally sure what this whole prelim thing is all about. Your messages meant a lot. When I felt totally spent I went back and read them, and they made me feel better. A couple of you offered to help me edit, and if the procedure allowed that I would have happily taken you up on it. Thanks for the thoughts, the encouragement, and the prayers.
I’m sure to some degree I am making too much of this. Tons of people have been through this before me, and many will follow in the future. My experience was not unique, but it was a defining moment for me, and for those who were there for me I thank you.
Now all we have to do is hope I pass.
